Many of us spend a few hours…er, uh…minutes, Facebooking on a daily basis, and I’m sure a lot of you are just dying to know….I can hear you asking now…
“How can I be even more obnoxious on Facebook, Christina?”
Well, look no further, for I have the answers you seek.
If you really want to be a complete asshat, just follow these few very simple instructions, and you are sure to be loathed and guffawed even more than your uncle Jack that time he went to church inebriated in your grandma’s muumuu.
So, here it is…25 Ways to Be a Complete Asshat on Facebook:
25. Post pictures of your meals. In fact, post pictures of every meal, followed by a detailed description of everything on the plate, the recipe used, and the cost (if eating out).
24. Bitch. A lot. About everything, every day, a few times a day.
23. Brag. A lot. About everything, every day, a few times a day.
22. Leave a message on someone’s fanpage, telling them you’ll like their page only if they like yours first.
21. Send people friend requests, and as soon as they accept, immediately post your book/page info on their timeline.
20. Send people friend requests, and as soon as they accept, immediately send them a direct message, asking them to like your page, buy/ “look at” your book, etc.
19. Don’t have a profile pic. Because nothing says, “Hi, I’m a stalker,” quite like a white silhouette on the blue screen of death.
18. Send friend requests to strangers who you have no friends in common with, or anything else in common with.
17. Just look at Facebook as a “free dating site.”
16. Every time you “Like” a page, no matter what it is, make sure and invite all your friends to like it, too.
15. Add all your friends to as many groups as you can.
14. Tag all your friends in as many meaningless/stupid/inappropriate pics as you can. Do this at least once a day. Preferably more, if able.
13. Whine. A lot. About everything every day, a few times a day.
12. Talk shit about people. But make sure you’re “friends” with them first, as this will further insure the sense of betrayal and deep loathing.
11. Invite self-proclaimed “obsessed” writers to play every pointless brainsucking Facebook game that exists. If they have still yet to respond in two weeks, invite them again. Better yet, one week will do. Actually, fuck it, wait like two days, and if they haven’t responded, spam the bahjeezers out of them with at least five or ten game requests. That should do the trick.
10. Steal people’s pics and post them on your own timeline. Make sure not to “share” them, so that you will get all the credit for your clever/funny/awesome little pics. And then, unfriend them. Better yet, just block them so you don’t have to listen to their whining when they find out you’re a complete poser.
9. Unfriend people who give you less than adequate reviews. Four star and above or no friendship, capisce?
8. Flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt FLIRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. Make sure and do it with married people and total strangers, especially.
7. Post half-naked pics of yourself doing yoga. Really, just half-naked pics of yourself doing anything will suffice.
6. Have a cover pic of two people copulating, so that when you send a mother of four a friend request and she pulls it up on her screen, her children will be sure to get a quick lesson in Sex 101.
5. Send out mass friend requests, accept every friend request that comes your way, but don’t ever try to make any real connections with anyone. After all, they’re not real people.
4. Post at least twenty status updates a day. Or more. More is always better.
3. Be a racist, sexist, homophobic hate-monger, and post everything that comes to mind in a constant shitfest of animosity and resentment.
2. Post meaningless status updates. A few good ones are: “I’m bored,” “I’m tired,” and “I finally learned what that little plastic thing on the end of a shoelace is called…”
1. ALWAYS TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND NEVER USE ANY PUNCTUATION NOT EVER I MEAN IT NOT ONE SINGLE PERIOD OR QUESTION MARK OR COMMA OR ANYTHING DO YOU UNDERSTAND
There you have it.
May the force be with you, as you navigate the social media waters of doom.
Oh, and if you want to hear the dirt on my break-up with Facebook, check out, “Hello, My Name is Christina, and I’m Addicted to Facebook.”